I wanted to share my real thoughts and feelings on this journey as its not been easy. Since finding out i am pregnant again i have been all over the place mentally. To begin with i felt happy but that was short lived… 5 minutes later i felt sad, worried and anxious that something was wrong. All i picture is being back in the room at the EPU and being shown an empty sac all over again. Its so hard to picture things a different way after going through something so traumatic. Its not as simple as thinking positive or trying not to worry, those with anxiety know this really isn’t possible. Something as life changing as a loss of a baby really makes you question life, question your body and makes you almost always believe that you will never get that beautiful baby.
How have i been coping? i haven’t. Those around me wont notice that anything is wrong, thats because i have mastered a fake smile and act like things are ok. What people don’t see is that whilst stretching at the gym i put my head down and cry, as i walk home i cry, sometimes i simply walk off into the bedroom and cry. All of it stops the second one of the kids walks in and i go back to my ‘i’m ok’ mode. I cant even get across just how emotionally draining the wait is, the wait for that early scan in which you will know what type of ending you will be getting. For me its another 3 weeks of hell, of crazy mood swings and stupid amounts of peeing on tests which by the way do not make you feel any better but for some reason i continue to do them lol.
And there you have it. My real raw emotions. I am clinging onto any last bit of hope i have left and praying things will be different this time. Im also being very negative as i have no symptoms of even being pregnant and with my miscarriage this ended badly for me.